Mind over Matter

I woke up this morning and came to a massive realization that might just explain the issues that Ive had over the last several years.  Last journal I touched on the fact that I feel like the standards and values and my thought processes go unappreciated and It made me realize something.

Who am I really living for?

Over the years Ive mentioned a couple of times that I wouldn't change myself for other people because I would lose my own identity to even myself, what good is a person without their own identity.

But you know, an awful lot of people keep trying to change how I do things, try to change the way I think and even though Ive verbally taken a "take it or leave it" stance where my personality is concerned, I dont feel like Ive really lived up to that expectation of myself more than subconsciously  trying to live up to other peoples expectations and making myself a clearly miserable person in the process.  And I think that no only distances myself from people I really should be distanced from in the first place, but also the negativity that projects from within me pushes away the type of people I do want in my life.

My mother always taught me that if people cant accept who I am as is and want me to change to make them more comfortable having me as a friend, then that person is not someone I need.  Don't worry about them, I'm better off.  I would argue that I haven't really followed that as much as I try to convince myself that I have.  That's a shame because I feel like I could have a stronger group of friends than I already have.

Frankly I dont need people in my life that are going to brow beat me every time I do something they dont like.  I'm not living for them or doing things to impress them. I'm living for one person, me.  I should be the one determining whats best for me and what kinds of actions I take for any part of what I do in my life, not the popular opinion of other people.

So in response changes need to be made, not in personal beliefs or involvement in social groups, but in how careful I am in letting people into my inner circle.  Because lets face it, over the last 7 or 8 years Ive carelessly let all manner of unsavory influences into my life and probably could have avoided a lot more drama had I taken more care to see a person for who they are first rather than just haphazardly letting people in.  Cant afford to do that anymore.

Time for me to stop being so careless with myself and commit to surrounding myself with people that are going to be encouraging to me rather than drag me down and act like I cant do anything right, or want to be negative about every move I make, as if somehow they actually have that kind of control or say in my life.  The hard unavoidable fact is, in the grand scheme of things, what they want for me doesn't matter.  Its what I want for me.  Me and no one else. 

I'm going to start scrutinizing who I know, mentally of course, and start really thinking about whether I want each person in my life and what they've brought to the table for me and decide if they are someone I really want to be associated with or not.  This is something beyond a simple contact list clean up because a group of people dont want to talk to me or have little time to do so.  This is a self improvement venture.

A friend of mine back from when I was a Witness had this saying. "Its mind over matter.  I dont mind because you dont matter"  So go ahead and say what negative things you want about my sense of morality, or my thought processes or or decision making or what things I do.  like my friend from way back when I'm taking the stance "Its mind over matter.  I dont mind because you dont matter"