Distances

In June of 2008, I came out.  This was a big decision in my life and I wasn't sure if I should at the time but I did so anyway.  Id like to say I've been generally happy since I have, and its true I have.  But at the same time it saddens me that to be myself I have to cause a rift between myself and people that care about me and I them.

Most who know me, at least in passing, that I had been raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  The dynamic in that religion is such that when you have been baptized into the religion, as I was, and you do something or act in a way that's massively inconsistent with the teachings of the Witnesses, one of two things happen

1.  You are disfellowshiped.  This word means that you are unilaterally removed from the books as being involved with or officially recognized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
2. You disassociate yourself.  In this case you tell them you no longer want to be known as one of Jehovah's Witnesses and want to be removed from their books as such.

 Both cases come with a hearty price.  On the one hand if I had remained a Witness as my upbringing stated and I followed for several years I would have the fact that I'm gay buried deep within me, not seen by anyone and probably still hidden away from even me, something I had been trying to do for many years and badly at that.

But of course I came out and...well caused that rift. You see even though I've never formally disassociated myself from the religion, I have by my actions done so.  I mean I came out, Ive been practicing a religion not bible based and most certainly condemned therein.  By my actions alone, I'm considered a bad associate and even though I dont fit the exact definition, could potentially be considered an apostate which means my friends there can never talk to me again.  More importantly than that, and grievously...neither my mother nor any one of the members of my family who are Witnesses, can ever talk to me or associate with me again.

Yes that means my mother, and my aunt who were the principle people who raised me are people I can never speak to again.  With everything thats happened in the last 8 years, some times I wonder where it's to late for me to go back because of my actions in that time, if I really made the right choice in leaving in the first place? Should I have just stayed where I was, weathered the storm that was my failed attempt at getting married and just buried myself deeper? Hid myself further from myself?

I mean I look at the things that have happened to me in that time and I sit here and think to myself "hmm...that would have never happened if I were still in X situation". My level of honesty is clearly not appreciated, and in some cases, not even welcome outside of that group, and have been told as much by several people over the years.

Now thankfully I know my aunt will at least contact me if something happens to mom, and I'll certainly attend funeral services when mom passes away.  But thats probably as far as that will go.

That does not mean, of course that I dont love my family.  Actually I love them very much.  I wouldn't be alive if mom hadn't taken me in after raising 5 children herself.  Most of my beliefs about honesty and my values where right and wrong are concerned  come from her, albeit some evolved since I left since wrong in moms view is being gay.

Someday I just dont know.  It feels like my life is largely dark clouds with maybe a happenstance glimmer of light...and I dont deserve to feel that way.