I woke up this morning and came to a massive realization that might just explain the issues that Ive had over the last several years. Last journal I touched on the fact that I feel like the standards and values and my thought processes go unappreciated and It made me realize something.
Who am I really living for?
Over the years Ive mentioned a couple of times that I wouldn't change myself for other people because I would lose my own identity to even myself, what good is a person without their own identity.
But you know, an awful lot of people keep trying to change how I do things, try to change the way I think and even though Ive verbally taken a "take it or leave it" stance where my personality is concerned, I dont feel like Ive really lived up to that expectation of myself more than subconsciously trying to live up to other peoples expectations and making myself a clearly miserable person in the process. And I think that no only distances myself from people I really should be distanced from in the first place, but also the negativity that projects from within me pushes away the type of people I do want in my life.
My mother always taught me that if people cant accept who I am as is and want me to change to make them more comfortable having me as a friend, then that person is not someone I need. Don't worry about them, I'm better off. I would argue that I haven't really followed that as much as I try to convince myself that I have. That's a shame because I feel like I could have a stronger group of friends than I already have.
Frankly I dont need people in my life that are going to brow beat me every time I do something they dont like. I'm not living for them or doing things to impress them. I'm living for one person, me. I should be the one determining whats best for me and what kinds of actions I take for any part of what I do in my life, not the popular opinion of other people.
So in response changes need to be made, not in personal beliefs or involvement in social groups, but in how careful I am in letting people into my inner circle. Because lets face it, over the last 7 or 8 years Ive carelessly let all manner of unsavory influences into my life and probably could have avoided a lot more drama had I taken more care to see a person for who they are first rather than just haphazardly letting people in. Cant afford to do that anymore.
Time for me to stop being so careless with myself and commit to surrounding myself with people that are going to be encouraging to me rather than drag me down and act like I cant do anything right, or want to be negative about every move I make, as if somehow they actually have that kind of control or say in my life. The hard unavoidable fact is, in the grand scheme of things, what they want for me doesn't matter. Its what I want for me. Me and no one else.
I'm going to start scrutinizing who I know, mentally of course, and start really thinking about whether I want each person in my life and what they've brought to the table for me and decide if they are someone I really want to be associated with or not. This is something beyond a simple contact list clean up because a group of people dont want to talk to me or have little time to do so. This is a self improvement venture.
A friend of mine back from when I was a Witness had this saying. "Its mind over matter. I dont mind because you dont matter" So go ahead and say what negative things you want about my sense of morality, or my thought processes or or decision making or what things I do. like my friend from way back when I'm taking the stance "Its mind over matter. I dont mind because you dont matter"
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Distances
In June of 2008, I came out. This was a big decision in my life and I wasn't sure if I should at the time but I did so anyway. Id like to say I've been generally happy since I have, and its true I have. But at the same time it saddens me that to be myself I have to cause a rift between myself and people that care about me and I them.
Most who know me, at least in passing, that I had been raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. The dynamic in that religion is such that when you have been baptized into the religion, as I was, and you do something or act in a way that's massively inconsistent with the teachings of the Witnesses, one of two things happen
But of course I came out and...well caused that rift. You see even though I've never formally disassociated myself from the religion, I have by my actions done so. I mean I came out, Ive been practicing a religion not bible based and most certainly condemned therein. By my actions alone, I'm considered a bad associate and even though I dont fit the exact definition, could potentially be considered an apostate which means my friends there can never talk to me again. More importantly than that, and grievously...neither my mother nor any one of the members of my family who are Witnesses, can ever talk to me or associate with me again.
Yes that means my mother, and my aunt who were the principle people who raised me are people I can never speak to again. With everything thats happened in the last 8 years, some times I wonder where it's to late for me to go back because of my actions in that time, if I really made the right choice in leaving in the first place? Should I have just stayed where I was, weathered the storm that was my failed attempt at getting married and just buried myself deeper? Hid myself further from myself?
I mean I look at the things that have happened to me in that time and I sit here and think to myself "hmm...that would have never happened if I were still in X situation". My level of honesty is clearly not appreciated, and in some cases, not even welcome outside of that group, and have been told as much by several people over the years.
Now thankfully I know my aunt will at least contact me if something happens to mom, and I'll certainly attend funeral services when mom passes away. But thats probably as far as that will go.
That does not mean, of course that I dont love my family. Actually I love them very much. I wouldn't be alive if mom hadn't taken me in after raising 5 children herself. Most of my beliefs about honesty and my values where right and wrong are concerned come from her, albeit some evolved since I left since wrong in moms view is being gay.
Someday I just dont know. It feels like my life is largely dark clouds with maybe a happenstance glimmer of light...and I dont deserve to feel that way.
Most who know me, at least in passing, that I had been raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. The dynamic in that religion is such that when you have been baptized into the religion, as I was, and you do something or act in a way that's massively inconsistent with the teachings of the Witnesses, one of two things happen
- You are disfellowshiped. This word means that you are unilaterally removed from the books as being involved with or officially recognized as one of Jehovah's Witnesses.
- You disassociate yourself. In this case you tell them you no longer want to be known as one of Jehovah's Witnesses and want to be removed from their books as such.
But of course I came out and...well caused that rift. You see even though I've never formally disassociated myself from the religion, I have by my actions done so. I mean I came out, Ive been practicing a religion not bible based and most certainly condemned therein. By my actions alone, I'm considered a bad associate and even though I dont fit the exact definition, could potentially be considered an apostate which means my friends there can never talk to me again. More importantly than that, and grievously...neither my mother nor any one of the members of my family who are Witnesses, can ever talk to me or associate with me again.
Yes that means my mother, and my aunt who were the principle people who raised me are people I can never speak to again. With everything thats happened in the last 8 years, some times I wonder where it's to late for me to go back because of my actions in that time, if I really made the right choice in leaving in the first place? Should I have just stayed where I was, weathered the storm that was my failed attempt at getting married and just buried myself deeper? Hid myself further from myself?
I mean I look at the things that have happened to me in that time and I sit here and think to myself "hmm...that would have never happened if I were still in X situation". My level of honesty is clearly not appreciated, and in some cases, not even welcome outside of that group, and have been told as much by several people over the years.
Now thankfully I know my aunt will at least contact me if something happens to mom, and I'll certainly attend funeral services when mom passes away. But thats probably as far as that will go.
That does not mean, of course that I dont love my family. Actually I love them very much. I wouldn't be alive if mom hadn't taken me in after raising 5 children herself. Most of my beliefs about honesty and my values where right and wrong are concerned come from her, albeit some evolved since I left since wrong in moms view is being gay.
Someday I just dont know. It feels like my life is largely dark clouds with maybe a happenstance glimmer of light...and I dont deserve to feel that way.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Seattle Life
You know? My reasons for moving to Seattle area may have significantly been upset, I find myself in many ways, at peace with my new situation. I'm looking around and I see lots of opportunity, and I find myself making plans both short and long term as far as more permanent living arrangement, but beyond job and living arrangement, Ive got other plans too.
Leg 1 after finding a place? College. With a duel direction! As my primary focus, after fulfilling my general education electives of course, I'm looking at getting a degree in pastry arts. Most people who know me knows I LOVE baking, and I love cooking too. Where will that lead?
Well to my second goal. Most of my family knows what my goal has been, at least on and off. Opening a bakery/coffee shop. For the last 15 years or so Ive been wanting one. I often find myself looking into the windows of available business locations and dreaming about how I would set the lobby off, and wondering how much room was in the back where I cant see and how I would set that up for efficiency and what I would need. On my Google drive I even have a list of major equipment that I would want in the kitchen area, and some of the cases, complete with model numbers and price. Ive even looked online from time to time to see what kind of serve wear I would want from plates to utensils. I think its time to start reaching out for what I want rather than dangling by a thread.
The really cool thing about Seattle where my goal in the food industry is, one of the schools up here is considered the second top most culinary school in the nation (I think it was second in the nation...I'll have to check on that.) Hows that for setting up for winning? And I already have a predisposition for baking, its what I was raised around and I love doing it!
The other thing I'm going to do along side working on my pastry arts degree is work towards getting a degree in Political Sciences. If you know me at all you probably know, there's some chance that I'm very political these days. One thing I'm floating around my mind is maybe running for an office. I wouldn't be looking for anything grandiose, and I probably would stay at the state level but its a thought anyway. Someday I'll explain why I'm playing with the idea of running for an office of some kind...but not here.
All in all I love it it up here in Seattle and I see myself actually reaching goals that I've been wanting to reach for a long time, and perhaps some lofty goals later on. We'll see what the future holds!
Later!
Leg 1 after finding a place? College. With a duel direction! As my primary focus, after fulfilling my general education electives of course, I'm looking at getting a degree in pastry arts. Most people who know me knows I LOVE baking, and I love cooking too. Where will that lead?
Well to my second goal. Most of my family knows what my goal has been, at least on and off. Opening a bakery/coffee shop. For the last 15 years or so Ive been wanting one. I often find myself looking into the windows of available business locations and dreaming about how I would set the lobby off, and wondering how much room was in the back where I cant see and how I would set that up for efficiency and what I would need. On my Google drive I even have a list of major equipment that I would want in the kitchen area, and some of the cases, complete with model numbers and price. Ive even looked online from time to time to see what kind of serve wear I would want from plates to utensils. I think its time to start reaching out for what I want rather than dangling by a thread.
The really cool thing about Seattle where my goal in the food industry is, one of the schools up here is considered the second top most culinary school in the nation (I think it was second in the nation...I'll have to check on that.) Hows that for setting up for winning? And I already have a predisposition for baking, its what I was raised around and I love doing it!
The other thing I'm going to do along side working on my pastry arts degree is work towards getting a degree in Political Sciences. If you know me at all you probably know, there's some chance that I'm very political these days. One thing I'm floating around my mind is maybe running for an office. I wouldn't be looking for anything grandiose, and I probably would stay at the state level but its a thought anyway. Someday I'll explain why I'm playing with the idea of running for an office of some kind...but not here.
All in all I love it it up here in Seattle and I see myself actually reaching goals that I've been wanting to reach for a long time, and perhaps some lofty goals later on. We'll see what the future holds!
Later!
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