Way back when I moved out of New York State (now in Washington State) Indiana was my first stop on this 8 year meander from east to west. Without going into too much detail about that, the opening situation to me actually living on my own and not living with my parents ended up, what I thought at the time, as cataclysmic. I came out, used and dumped by my first boyfriend, had my first run in with a manager who wasn't interested in helping his employees progress so much as he was interested in catapulting his own paycheck at the expense of his subordinates. at the time it was truly a nightmare for me. It ended with me being outed to my parents where I was trying to hide my coming out, at least for a time, in the hopes of preventing more stress to my mother, which would have added to the stress of a slowly deteriorating husband, who later surcame to cancer, and her own health conditions, namely complications that are particular to having triple bypass surgery.
Mind you, at the time I was furious that they had done that. As the years went by I calmed down and eventually forgave them for it and any other perceived wrong they had done to me, and frankly, I still call them friends even though life has made it such that we don't talk to each other much. Its not that we don't want to its just time doesn't allow us too as much as it used too.
But after an event that I was involved with a couple of years ago that resulted in the same action, this time taken by me, against someone else as was taken against me, it got me thinking...well got me thinking in the last week anyway.
Where many people believe that outing someone should never be done under any circumstances, I am not among the crowd that has that frame of thinking. I believe that under certain RARE circumstances, that taking such an action is not only acceptable but required. The criteria for doing so would have to be extreme, like if a persons actions has the potential to cause them harm, either physically, mentally or emotionally or all three, or even harm to others, because they are getting out of control enough to allow such a thing to happen.
Now many who know about that more recent situation where I was in the position that my friends back in Indiana were in years ago, has the understanding that it was just because I was trying to protect my own reputation, since I had been lied about. But that's really only an element of it.
The person in question, whom will be unnamed, is, I believe, at his heart a good person. I want to see him succeed and see him grow and mature. In fact, with everyone I meet, my greatest wish and hope is that they always work towards being better than they are. And I wish the same for him. I not only took that action because my own reputation was brought into question, that of my honesty, which those who know me know that I have a very strict expectation of myself to maintain, but I truly believed, and still do, that the way he was behaving was going to get himself hurt, if not physically, than most certainly emotionally. Therefore, after pondering it, getting the advice of others whom were much older and wiser in the world than I, and encouragement to do so, I acted.
"Sometimes all you have are bad decisions, but you still have to make a decision"
-The Doctor- Doctor Who - Mummy On the Orient Express
But, back to Indiana. Over the last week I really thought about that particular event. It made me wonder if I was getting so out of control that the only thing they could think to do was bring in "the big guns" my mother and my aunt, into the conversation.
Ive come to the conclusion that the reason for their actions then, are the same behind my actions that I took nearly two years ago. It wasn't because they hated me or wanted to be assholes or anything of the sort. I think it was because they cared enough to do something drastic to get me to realize that the way I was acting was ultimately going to harm me in someway, in my case socially and emotionally. I didn't listen at the time and continued on my merry way, acting like an idiot, and it did effect me mentally very adversely. Eventually though, without me realizing it, things started to click.
Eventually I realized that I need to put on my big boy pants (as one of my more recent managers phrased it) and start taking responsibility for my own actions as they effect me and start improving myself. Ive done that, its still and always will be a work in progress, but Ive done that.
looking back on it now, even though what they did ended up in me being disowned by my mother (or at least so I sense) because I came out and because I was and in many ways still am practicing Wicca, I think it helped me, overtime, to mature even further than I already had. So Beth, Zach and even Christopher...thank you for taking that drastic step. I may have been angry at the time, but I'm over it and if forgiveness from me is to be had it is given and I hope you guys can forgive me if you haven't already. Sometimes trial by fire is the only way anyone ever gets anything though their thick heads.
And to the person that I was in the same position two years ago. I know you hate me for it, and I empathize with you on it. I don't hate you back. Its my hope that someday...and I know that will be a long time (and don't say never, I said that once and never didn't happen), ...that we can make a parting more befitting our age. I don't expect to be friends, but we are furries and we are going to end up eventually at the same events once in a while. Civility among adults, even when our mind tells us other wise, is a sign of great maturity. Be well. I wish all the good in the world for you.
Till next time everyone, keep them tails fluffed and waggin!
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